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Published on March 3rd, 2012 | by

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Redbox Rage – Move it or Lose it

I am a magnet for the Redbox douchebag. The one jackass that knows that you are behind him yet feels the need to peruse every selection at least twice and then must read each description of every movie. I want to scream, “It’s Scooby Doo, Douche, and it has four teenagers, a dog, some drug references, and a big green van. Move out of my way!”

It doesn’t matter which Redbox I go to, I feel like I have won the lottery if I can get to the screen before anybody else does. It warms the cockles of my heart and keeps me from throwing elbows. I stood at a Redbox for about 8 minutes before I gave up and went home today. I didn’t need to get a new movie for tonight, but it sounded good. Instead, I will be snuggling up to my Netflix. The irony of this story is the man and woman who were occupying the Redbox were ragging on how Netflix has nothing to watch. With that said, it reminded me of all of the movies I had in my queue and I went home.

I think the potential for Redbox is awesome, but I hardly ever have been able to walk up to one without an idiot somehow hovering in front or behind me. If they are in front of me, I know that I should pull up a lawn chair, a beer and a good book. If they are behind me, I know that the clock is ticking and soon enough I am going to hear them pacing behind me, heavily breathing, and mumbling under their breath.

The question is, “How do I get to have a pleasant Redbox experience?” I have two solutions. One is to go to Redbox at midnight and hope I don’t get mugged or have an idiot  installed on the box. Maybe a person would have to walk up and answer a question that people with common sense could answer. Similar to Jay Leno’s “Jaywalking”, where Jay goes up to people, asks them questions that seem to be common sense questions and then the people just blow the answer so badly they end up on TV looking like complete morons.

Maybe I can start a timer behind the Squatter loud enough for them to hear that they just took up my precious time debating whether to rent “The Thing” and “Eurotrip”. At this point I have lost a handful of brain cells and everyone knows that “Eurotrip” is the way to go.

Maybe Redbox has thought of this already and that’s why they launched the pre-ordering of your Redbox movie(s). That’s a fantastic idea, yet I don’t think the morons will ever catch on to it, so I am still screwed waiting for them to get out of my way.

Maybe I am the jerk. Maybe I do have “Redbox Rage,” but walking up to a Redbox is like walking up to the rudeness meter. People stand too close, lean on people’s cars that are parked on a curb and say rude things under their breath. I have yet to become confrontational about this behavior, but I think I may just be one DVD away from losing it completely. Next time, I am just going to go in wearing full goalie hockey gear and push my way through. I will show them the difference between being rude and being dumb.

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2 Responses to Redbox Rage – Move it or Lose it

  1. Sean Cooper says:

    A funny read.
    However, if you’re looking to rent a movie for the evening, are you really in that much of a hurry? That Redbox Douche is simply a poor sap overwhelmed with too many choices. He’s not an asshole, just suffering paralysis from analysis.

    • Jenn Thrasher says:

      I have time allotted to watch a movie. I don’t have time to wait 8 minutes in the cold listening to a husband and wife bicker about what to watch. If you see there is a line behind you and you have no idea what you want to chose, step aside, and let the next person go. Then I don’t have to wait and listen to the debate. A courteous person would step aside. When a person goes to McDonald’s they don’t stand in line for 8 minutes. It isn’t acceptable there…why should be ok at the Redbox?

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