Hope you are enjoying your day off.  Perhaps you are out of practice in how to Labor Day (as a verb).  I humbly present this guide on putting together a grilling extravaganza — based upon the the ever questionable, laughable, or just odd illustrations that come from the WikiHow website.  — [eric]

Step 1 – Stock Up

Let’s be honest.  No party is a party if grilled tofu-infused, black-bean, couscous-drizzled seitan patties are on the menu.  (Just listen to the word — seitan.  It sounds likes something that comes from the seventh level of hell.)

*NOTE:  And if you are of the vegan/vegetarian variety, turnabout is ABSOLUTELY fair play.  You make those animal killers bring their own dead carcasses and sizzle slabs in which to cook them on.  Your house, your rules!  The “No Bitchin’ Kitchin” is open for service — closed for criticism.  

Step 2 – Proper Beer Presentation

This illustration exists.  For real.  FML.

Step 3 – Preheat Grill

Turn that thing up to “11.”  Full blast.  If you aren’t cooking with evil gas, then dump a few hundred gallons of diesel fuel on your smelly briquettes.  Light the match.  What could go wrong?

Step 4 – Call The Fire Department

Labor Day isn’t the time to be connecting with your inner fire bug.  Just be an adult and gently coax a bit of heat from your cooking apparatus, Ronald.  The fire doesn’t have to look at you.

Step 5 – SERIOUSLY — No Salad…

The only acceptable kind are the ones drowned in mayonnaise.  (Also, on the wall —- what IS that and how did IT happen?  Autostereogram photos are about as 1980s as that dude’s blue jacket.)

 Step 6 – Proper Preparation & Planning

Marinate your meat in the blood of the unwashed.  Don’t let things bake in the sun before you cook them on the grill.  And if you haven’t mastered multi-tasking and only know linear cooking, your guests won’t be eating until 9:47PM.  Get your s#^@ together, have a plan, and be. the. host.

Step 7 – Plan Needless Activities For Janet, The Neighbor That Never Knows When To Stop Talking

Seriously, who invited Janet?  Keep her busy collecting firewood for the s’mores roasting that will never happen later that night.

Step 8 – Avoid Temptation To Use Objects Inappropriately

While sharp enough and incredibly agile, a meat thermometer should never be used as a shiv.  Remember, YOU invited Janet.  YOU put up with her.

Step 9 – Cook Thoroughly, But Not…(What’s The Word I’m Looking For)…Overwrought-ly?

Heat your pink gelatinous substance to the appropriate temperature.  But don’t overdo it….or people might actually mistake it for chicken.

Step 10 – Provide Adequate Condiments & Sides

Nothing goes with grilled meats quite like the floating, disembodied heads of humans.

Step 11 – Clean Up, You Slob!

Always make sure to brush your grills’ teeth twice a day.  Otherwise, you end up like Flava’ Flav.

Step 12 – Don’t Do Drugs, Kids

Dropping acid whilst hosting a Labor Day party is a bad idea.  Otherwise, you turn into Toby Maguire trying to convince himself that the images of the Power Rangers he sees — aren’t there.